I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
