I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
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It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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