ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
