bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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