I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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