she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
