Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
