I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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