the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
