I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
