there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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