i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
