Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
