When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
