Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
