you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
