I like my sex mixed with concussions.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
