i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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