Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
