You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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