I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
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Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
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And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.