I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
Hahaha April fools!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
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in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.