the new term for farting is butt boxing.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.