I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
