the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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