And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
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I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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