thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
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