I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
