therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows