last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?