Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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