I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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