yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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