I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
