when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.