well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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