There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
