matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize