Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
