forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.