my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?