Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
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Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner