How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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