you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
