I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
