Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves