I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
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A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.