i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.