i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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