Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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