if you like me you must not know who I am
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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