made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
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My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
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Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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