I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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