I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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