I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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