R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
