I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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